?

Log in

No account? Create an account
~*~Tiffanie~*~

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Friday, June 30th, 2006
2:17 am
Anyway, work has been hell lately. I have snapped at almost everyone. I have been hunting down telxons just to find out that it's the managers that sign them out and don't return them. I wrote a letter to Jason but not sure if he really read it or not. I mean, they ask me to look after that crap and it's his own store leaders that aren't doing what is asked. I don't have a problem with many other people other then them going in the office and stealing other people's keys and cards. Wtf people! Then they have the nerve to say it's our fault because we keep the door open. How is it any different then them coming over and taking the key? That's just like having the damn door wide open right? 

Ok then there's the CSS's having cashiers take the returns or garbage off the registers and then just bringing it up to the service desk and leave it for us to take care of. It makes the area look like shit! What would you think of a store who had a huge pile of garbage piled in the corner? What if they hard carts blocking the ATM, pay phone and fire alarm (which is a crime)? Or the leaking crap... it gets under our mats and people slip and almost hurt themselves and no one listens. I'm tired of cleaning up after people! The cashiers don't even try to put stuff away, they just toss it on the counter and leave it for us to do. Lately I've been snapping at people saying they need to put it away then watch them to make sure they don't just toss it anywhere. I'm so sick of it. Teresa and I got into it tonight because I told Ulza to tell her that next time she needs to give her enough time to put it away because I won't do it. 

Oh and today Teresa decided that she was going to train Brigid as a CSS. For one, she doesn't know Layaway or Service Desk which is a huge part of it. I could care less. I'll just go somewhere else. If I move departments I can't wait to see things fall appart. I know it will... and I'm not trying to make myself look good but I do a lot of shit up there and know a lot of shit. Even the damn CSSs come to me asking questions! I've been through almost all of it. No more supplies being ordered.... no more people sticking up for the return desk and getting our concerns across (even if they are ignored most of the time), no more relying on me to get those huge lines down because they know I'm quick, no more back-up when they need it, no more filling in when someone takes a leave of absence, no more updating the recall board, no more help in layaway, no more easy going Tiff who takes her break late or her lunch as early or late as they need her to, no more asking Tiff to get a tax exempt filled out and filed... God knows what else! Screw em. I'm tired of being taken for granted. Blase won't do that... and he ALWAYS thanks me for all that I do. That's all I ask for! Someone to trully thank me for all that I do! You know, when I worked for Blase back in recieving before and he found out I was front end he thanked me personally and told me how sad he was to be losing such a hard worker. Even if he didn't mean it I sure felt needed and important. Now he always tries to get me to help him on special projects... oh and he asked for me personally when graden center opened up and they told him he couldn't have me because I was too important up there. I never knew I was even considered until he told me one day. I was touched!

So it sounds like I might be going back to Photo. He said that was his only full time position open. He asked me if that would be ok and told me that would mean I would go back to a level 3 for 90 days then up to a 5 or 6 after that. I can deal with that... a little more pay.

I told Will that i signed up for a transfer... to another store for the postions I wanted and he called me a traitor. I think he was kinda upset with thinking that I could be leaving some day. What can I say.... no one there will take me seriously so I will do what it takes to be taken seriously. Kyle keeps bugging me to call the other places I applied and bug them but wtf do you say? Speaking of which, he might be going to 7up. It would be sad to see him give up his sexy Pepsi uniform. He looks damn hot in that... that and jeans.... ok sorry!

Oh I uh.... kinda bought an MP3 player... I finally gave in. I've been listening to it like crazy. Oh and I bought a Nintendo DS because I wanted to play Mario. I never really got to play it when I was growing up and I was hooked! I'm sad I know. I don't think my parents thought I would be as into games as I was. I used to play my sega till no end! Then my computer, then my playstation.... I'm a total daddy's girl.... following in his footsteps. I'm kinda happy though. Most other women drive me insane because they're so boring. I mean.... what do other women talk about? Most of them just talk about each other which I do somewhat enjoy like everyone else does.... but I don't like the shows they normally do so I can't talk about that junk, i don't really follow the stars or like the music most of them like... I mean.... wtf would I have to talk about? Even some of my other friends find me weird. Well if this is weird.... then I'm damn proud to be weird.

Alright I was trying to stay up but I'm pretty tired now. I have an eye appointment tomorrow (spending more money I don't have) cause I need an exam and new contacts. I don't think my parents would be too upset with me over that. It's something I need for health reasons. So I guess this is goodnight.


current mood: content

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
2:09 am
Well Father's Day went ok... better when I got home. I had gotten my dad a picture frame that says my heart belongs to daddy on it. I stuck in 2 pictures of when I was about 2 or 3 and then one of my favorite senior pictures. Now my dad isn't a lovey guy at all. When I say I love him he sometimes asks me what I did or want. I know he loves me, and he doesn't have to prove it. It's just hard for him to say it since he never got it himself. Well when I gave him my present he gave me a hug and... thinking about it makes me want to cry. He hasn't hugged me that tight or that long since I left for California about.... 2 or 3 years ago, maybe longer. It felt so good to have him hold me like that. I will always be daddy's little girl... no matter what. 

Getting more mushy I guess... I finally feel like I'm fulfilling God's purpose for me. I first realized it when I told Carol from Vision that I would love to help with the rootbeer float sale outside for the relay for life thing one day. We were sitting there, never really talked much before. She noticed all of my bracelets for various things and asked what they were for. So I told her and said I was hoping to get one from the blood bank... and told her about being anxious to donate bone marrow. She asked me if I like to volunteer a lot and I said I like to help where ever I can. I never really thought of what I do as much. Then I got thinking... I have the swing dance on the 8th of July, I helped out with the homeless shelter cleanout a month or so ago, now I'm walking for the Relay For Life this weekend and just in, I joined a mud volleyball team for Epilepsy. I'm excited! I feel like I am finally doing what I knew I was supposed to do all along. 

So if you ask me... things are great... other then the job search. I might Just go applying a bunch of other places tomorrow too. I'm really getting tired of Wal-mart paying me so little... though some of these pay checks are pretty small that I've been cashing lately. I make a few hundred more then them... so that makes me happy but I want more pay. $8.20 an hour is nothing for all I know and do in a hearbeat, sometimes without being asked! Oh and I put in a transfer request for positions that are higher then mine. There was a CSS position open in Rockford somewhere that I know I qualify for. So maybe I'll get that. Better pay... but not better place to work. I'd miss my store and the people. Lately I have been talking to Natalie and Leah and it's been great. Especially Leah, she kinda reminds me of a skinnier and younger version of me. She's a great kid! She has a lot going for her. I also feel she would be perfect at that Service Desk. She has the right attitude unlike all the others that come up there. Others get mad at the dumbest things ... like Julia. You just have to grin and bear it. I did a return the other day for a guy I KNOW stole the crap AND tried to tell me he didn't alter his ID!!!! He tried to change his 3 to an 8 and I typed it in correctly and his history came up and he said I typed it in wrong! I sm8iled at him like sure I did and showed my supervisor. They in turn called a manager and the guy pointed the my manager that the number was a 8. Well as the manager was looking at the history, I took the Id and wiped off the ink and gave it back to my manager... who showed him it was indeed a 3. He pretended to be baffled. He came back in the NEXT NIGHT with the same thing altered! This time I typed that number in as a 3 again and it went through this time!!!!! No history! I was in shock!! I had called my manager right before he came in, because his buddy was in just a second ago... meaning this guy would be next. He was... and the guy asked for his Id back but I told him to hold on. I showed Chuck and magically wiped off the ink again for him. I think he called the police... but he got away again. I just wish I could figure out how he's cheating the system! I knew how he was doing it the first time.... but nothing else was altered.... I looked at it REAL well this time. But whatever.... you do what you do and move on. Not much you can do about it.

Anyway... I'm gonna go take a shower... I look grubby. My hair has been so damn oily lately.... well on top... then ends are dry. I don't get it. We'll see what I can do. Night!


current mood: cheerful

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
2:00 am - Trouble
Well... today is just full of... stuff. First I went to work, 7am to 4pm. No big deal other then I was falling asleep at the service desk. I finally took a caffeine pill and woke up just before Julia showed up. Then I went to lunch and almost fell asleep again. Went back and service desk wasn't that busy so they sent me to zone the clearence isle. No biggie... it was ok. I had tried texting Kyle asking him if he was mad at me. He called me while I was working so I tried to call him back. He didn't answer so I left him a message. He never called back... so I tried calling him when I got home. Still no answer. By now I'm getting a bit worried. 

Anyway, I had planned to go to Lake in the Hills with Nicole for this open house thing. Hoping we could get some more money... but not by working out there, no way! Anyway, we decide not to do it then she calls me back and says maybe we should. So we agree to meet up at work. As I'm pulling out.. I remember that I forgot to get change for the tollway. So I back up, rather quickly and BOOM I hit my aunts van. Hardly does anything to her car... but mine... ya it was bad. My car is scratched all the way to the door handle on the front passenger door, my bumpper is falling off on that side, my tail light is busted and it is very dented in right there. It's horrible! Well we couldn't take it in then, everything was closed. I couldn't get a rental car cause they were closed. So I had to look at it all night and cry. How could I be so damn dumb. On top of that it will cost me about $400 which could be worse. Luckily I have full coverage or it would be so much worse.


current mood: distressed

(comment on this)

Thursday, June 8th, 2006
1:28 am
Well.... I guess I realized now why I was worried to look at Mike's camping pics. Kyle was there. He has time to go camping, but can only give me an hour? WTF is up with that? Whew... very nauseated. For those of you who don't know me well, I get nauseated when I get jealous and angry. Occasionally this makes me throw up... from me trying to fight the jealousy. I know, I need to work on it. IDK... I guess I'm glad he working right now because I would probably flip out. I mean, seriously.... he can take this time out to spend time with Mike and everyone else, and though Mike and him are closer then him and I are... he can't take a weekend out to spend time with me. God now I'm making him look bad... IDK... maybe he is. Maybe everyone that doesn't know him (my friends) and doesn't like him are right. Maybe I'm kidding myself. God why isn't my meds working. Maybe I should just up and leave... and not tell him. Since Angie and I aren't friends any more I gues I could drive down to see Rande in St Louis. That would probably make me even more depressed considering that i'm not that close to my brother any more. He's changed. Not sure if I like the change..... Why would he take the dog up there? Why would he call me non stop when he got back? I swear he called me 2 to 3 times a day on Monday and Tusday. Wait... IDK..... maybe I'll call him when he gets off. Maybe I can calm down by then.... Maybe I'll take a nap.... Maybe I'll throw up.... Maybe I'll cry. Steve help me!

current mood: predatory

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, May 25th, 2006
7:05 pm - Dad's birthday
Oh wow I just had a great day. Today is dad's birthday, I gave him a card and $30 for his favorite store (Best Buy). But besides that, I went tanning, and I actually look pretty good. I've been losing weight with this diet my doctor wanted me to try... I've been using whitener for my teeth and they look pretty good. I can't use them the way they say too because they make my teeth too sensative.

current mood: touched

(comment on this)

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
1:17 am - The Fray Lyrics (some)
Over My Head (Cable Car) Lyrics
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Fall Away Lyrics
You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you

You fall away
It's following you

Heaven Forbid Lyrics
Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
your falling apart and tearing at the seems

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It's on your face, is it on your mind
would you care to build a house of your own
How much longer, how long can you wait
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one
I don't know how to get you out of this one

Look After You Lyrics
If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh


current mood: sore

(comment on this)

Sunday, May 21st, 2006
10:29 pm - Naughty or Nice?

Naughty Quiz According to experts, I am :

44% Naughty
Take the Naughty Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

(comment on this)

10:19 pm - Purity test

Purity Test According to experts, I am :

57% Pure
Take the Purity Test at JokesUnlimited.com

(comment on this)

8:23 pm - Angie is a bitch
Well last night Angie really pissed me off. She actually said to me that if I continued to stay with Kyle that I would lose her as a friend. I told her that i can't believe she said that too me and then she called me and I didn't answer. She then sent me a few text messages and I didn't even look at them. I was so upset. I can't believe she would do that to me! Who the hell does she think she is? She doesn't know him! She told me I was going to lose all of my friends because of him. WTF ever. Candis and Will still care for me... so why do I need her? I don't care if Kyle and I don't make it... no friend says that to another friend, NEVER! So ya, we're not speaking.

current mood: pissed off

(comment on this)

12:53 am
Well... today was pretty good... but i'll start with the bad and end with the good, maybe it will make my night better by not thinking negativly. So we'll start with something that really pissed me off tonight. I was working on 82 freight (impulse merchandise) and I went up to the service desk to do something... and Angie was saying something about me at the service desk, like I have nothing to do up there. They were pissed off because i threw all of teh grocery returns in one cart. i am not to have carts, so if they don't like it, tough. I don't give a shit! And who the fuck does Angie think she is talking crap about me behind my back like that? And another thing I was thinking about is what Angie had said the other day about how everyone hates Kyle. How the hell does she know? Has she been talking to people behind my back? She throws a big fucking hissy fit because I told Kyle about her situation and then she goes around doing the same thing to me? I don't fucking think so! Who the fuck does she think she is? This really pisses me off. I am so ready to just tell her to screw off... I love him, and I would expect my friends to say that they don't like him and are worried for me but wish me the best. I talked to Will and he said he doesn't hate him, he doesn't even know him. I'm so tired of all the bull shit. Will and Candis never really call any more to hang out... and I don't really feel like hanging out with Angie or Michel because of the thing they said. I feel alone. I don't know who to hang out with now... Kyle is always working... and things are hard for him right now... IDK... I'm just so hurt that not only is Angie putting him down, but now Michel is. That hurts me dearly. More then I can put in words right now.

Ok I think that's all the bad out now. Moving on, I did that thing for the Red Cross today. It was great! There was an awesome turn out! A lot of the people there were from Wal-mart, just not ours. A lot of people signed up but never came. It was only Store Mgr Jason, Joe from instock (an asshole) and one of the managers in training. No one else from our store showed up. Anyway, I followed Jason and Joe over there because I planned on leaving later then they did. It was great. I washed windows, put in a few loads of laundry, scrapped this gunk off of some windows which really brightened the room. I was so happy. I love doing this kind of stuff. I shook hands with Dan, district Mgr. I think I earned a lot of respect from Jason, for showing up and helping out. I just felt so good about all that we did. The place looked great. I could just imagine what those who would sleep there that night would think of everything. Would they care, would they feel touched that we would take the time to make it nice for them? A guy from the newspaper took a few pictures of me... and took my name. Channel 13 and 23 came out. I saw the camera guy for 13 tape us for a while but was really into scraping my window if 23 came in. It was all so beautiful. Wal-mart had donated a whole bunch of mulch and 100 flats of flowers as well as some of the cleaning supplies. I got a tee-shirt too. I got bleach on it though... oh well, I can earn me a new one in October when another one of these comes up. I even talked to her about becoming a volunteer. I would have to train and observe and then I would get put on the schedule for one night a month. I'm excited!

Work went well I guess. Things were busy as heck! I had to CSS for Myra for a while so she could cashier. I even had Myra say she was glad I was there because i was always so helpful when I was there. Then I had Asst. Mgr. Tamara ask me if I would stay till midnight and that she would approve my overtime! Only thing was that I had to work 82 freight. Not a fan of the stuff.... very hard to find because it's scattered throughout the store! Crazy stuff! So I have 1/2 an hour of approved overtime so far (I came into work at 2:30). 

Alright... Angie is exting me now which is upsetting me. So I better end this now before I get all sappy... cause she's making me want to cry. I feel so hurt... oh great here I go again....


current mood: disappointed

(comment on this)

Saturday, May 20th, 2006
1:00 am - A song for Rick

This is a song I would like to dedicate to Rick. He has changed my life in so many ways and he doesn't know it. I have been friends with him for as long as I can remember. He was a good friend of my parents until my daddy got jealous and told my mom she couldn't see him any more. We would sneak out still to see him, it was my mom's and my secret. No it wasn't an affair. Let me finish. When I was going through my teenage years, my sister Aimee met Rick. One day on a drive to her house to stay the night, she slipped up and asked me how I felt about him being gay. My whole world crashed down. I was scared and confused... how could he be gay? I was told gay people were wrong, and really feminine... When I got home I told mom what I discovered. She freaked out because Rick never wanted me to know. He was scared that I would no longer want to see him or would be totally disgusted with him. He loved me so much, but was scared to tell me! Then she told me about how he fought it for so long. He hated being that way and would make attempts on his life. Like the time when he stuck his head in the oven and told my mom to leave and she did and came back and told him he'd have to take her with him. That took a lot of courage, especially with a young child at home. Then she told me about the times he tried to force himself to be straight, like when he dated this one lady. They were together for quite a while, they even had a child together but in the end he couldn't do it. The night I found all this out I cried. I again was scared, confused, not sure how to feel. Then I cried because of all the pain he had probably gone through and how hard it must be to live a life that isn't true... that everyone would crucify you for... 

After that day I began changing over the years. I started to realize how many people I had probably hurt by my childish ways. I picked on people for several reasons, called them gay... and right in front of him. I know it had to hurt him. To think back on it now hurts me too. I made myself try to look at people closer and not be so hasty to judge them. I realized that everyone fights their own battles and no one should ever have to fight alone. I then became a gay rights activist, going online and talking to people about how you never know when someone is, that it could be someone you would never suspect, that they might be too scared to tell them because of their ways. Not everyone took to this well but some listened and I made some understand how hard it can be by retelling Rick's story. He has given me such a new outlook on life and I never thanked him. He has made me a more beautiful person just by being who he is. 

Rick, if you read this, I want you to know I still love you and always will. I don't care about your differences, everyone has differences and they shouldn't matter. You are a great person and I am so greatful that God brought me to you, because you have taught me so much. I am sorry if I ever hurt you with the things I said, I never knew. Never stop being who you are. Maybe some day you can touch someone elses life as you have mine. I know I have touched many lives with the things I learned from all of this and maybe it will get passed on that way. Never be ashamed of who you are, you deserve to be happy too, and who you are is wonderful. I love you Rick, this song is for you.

The Reason Lyrics
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you



current mood: grateful

(comment on this)

Friday, May 19th, 2006
11:22 pm - Lyrics
Break My Fall Lyrics

You fought me once but not again
You let me feel your heavy hand
I will clean your fuckin mess
And leave no trace of evidence

[Chorus:]
I am losing you again
Let me out and let me in
'cause you're not alone here
Not at all
Let me belong here
Break my fall

Shelter me from this again
Dedicated to the end
Help me break my conscience in
To free us from our innocence

[Chorus]

Forget It Lyrics

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here

Sooner Or Later Lyrics
I want a normal life
just like a new born child
I am a lover hater
I am an instigator
You are an oversight
Don't try to compromise
I'll learn to love to hate it
I am not integrated

[Pre-Chorus]
Just call my name
You'll be okay
Your scream is burning through my veins

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw your life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw your life away

You're like an infantile
I knew it all the while
You sit and try to play me
Just like you see on tv
I am an oversight
Just like a parasite
Why am I so pathetic
I know you won't forget it

[Pre-chorus]

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw my life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw my life away

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw our life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw our life away

Throw our life away
Ooooo
Throw our life away

Breakdown Lyrics
Breakdown!

Let the fun and games begin
She is spayed and broken in
Skin is cold and white
Such a lovely lonely night

[Pre-chorus]
Heaven is on the way
You could feel the hate
but I guess you never will
I'm on a roll again
and I want an end
'cause I feel you creeping in

[Chorus:]
What I found in this town
I'm heading for a breakdown
What's that sound, you're so loud
I'm heading for a breakdown

Drank up all my alcohol
This is not a free for all
I'll be there for you
'Til my heart is black and blue

[Pre-chorus]

[Chorus]

Away Lyrics
Cold am I
I'm beside myself
Because there's no one else
Have I grown
So blind
Only god could save you
If you knew your way to the light
So fly away
And leave it behind
Just stay awake
There's nowhere to hide

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

Frail and dry
I could lose it all
But I cannot recall
It's all wrong
Don't cry
Clear away this hate
And we can start to make it alright
So fly away
And leave it behind
Return someday
With red in your eyes

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

Rain Lyrics
Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Natural Life Lyrics
hold still
all of my life
all of my time
I don't wanna come back around tonight
and all that I need
is serenity
I don't wanna feel your new disease
[chorus]
the natural life
you're born, you die
the natural life
you're wrong, you're right
the natural life
you're born, you die
the natural life's a lie
all of my lies
swallow your pride
I don't wanna come back around tonight
and all that I need
is serenity
I don't wanna feel your new disease
[chorus]
right
you're right
I can never lie
let me go
try to find a home
I can't wait
try to stay awake
dead inside
bothered by the lie
you're right
[chorus]
a lie

Saturate Lyrics
do you know that i could never leave you?
and you know i could never beat you?
and if i, if i could never find you nevermind, i would not forget you.
can i stay alive forever?
can i stay alive forever?
can i stay alive forever?
forever. can i feel a chemical reaction?
because i feel a hideous
attraction could we share a poison apple?
could it be maniacle and awful?
can i stay alive forever?
can i stay alive forever?
can i stay alive forever?
forever. forever
stay alive forever
forever
stay alive forever
stay alive forever
stay alive forever
stay alive forever
stay alive forever

Stop And Say You Love Me Lyrics
Hey listen, because I'll only say this once
do you think that you could lose yourself in me?
I could say I want to die by your side one day
but I could never speak the words
because they haven't wrote the words that mean enough to me
so together we can burn this way

stop and say you love me, always, I'll say the same to you

I found a loop hole for us now
it's called redemption of my history
do you think you could look past my fears
tell me now my love
because I will lose it in your eyes, I see firelight in your eyes
I know that things will be better when you are by my side

stop and say you love me, always, I'll say the same to you
stop and say you love me, always, I'll say the same to you

I'm guarded, I'm fragile, but if anyone could ever save me now, you can

stop and say you love me, always, I'll say the same to you
stop and say you love me, always, I'll say the same to you

are you strong enough? am I enough?
are you strong enough to say you love me?

Eclipsed Lyrics
We love our tragedies.
When we're broken in our own little ways
We're broken and we fit together just right
You know I saw the black inside your eyes
I saw they were eclipsed, and by mine, they look just right.

[Chorus:]
When our lips meet, will you know me then?
And will you want to know it
It feels like I've known you for so long.
When our lips meet, will you love me then?
and will you ever know it.
It seems like you've known me for so long.

I love your melodies.
We're both crazy in our own little ways
We talk about the future and our past lives.
I know loved you then.
I know you love you now.
I know I'll love you then.
I know I love you now.

[Chorus]

But you can't have everything you want when you want it.
I will be everything you want, when you want it.

Wait for me. Just for me.
Fall for me. Even when you don't know you fell from me.
Will you fall for it? If this comes around again.
Don't wait for me. And don't trust in me. Don't fall me.
Even when you know you're falling for me.

[Chorus]

When our hearts meet, will we make it right.
Will we even notice that they are eclipsed?

Over My Head (Cable Car) Lyrics
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

All At Once Lyrics
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Fall Away Lyrics
You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you

You fall away
It's following you

Look After You Lyrics
If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Little House Lyrics
She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?

Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about

No one expects
You to get up
All on your own with
No one around

(comment on this)

9:54 pm - The lowdown

Where did I leave off? How about we start with yesterday... no we'll go back farther so we can get a grasp of all the events leading up to it. Angie came into work... and I told her about me possibly moving in with Kyle. She started freaking out and saying I shouldn't and that I don't know him well and that kinda stuff. I don't... but at this rate I might never know him. We hardly see each other... and this way I would at least see him occasionaly.. maybe even for a few minutes each day! IDK anyway... she kinda upset me, because I love this guy and she doesn't like him because of some comments that were said. Anyway, I come home and later that night she texts me and asks me if I'm mad at her. I tell her no and that I understand she was just looking out for me. Then she gets into it saying that she doesn't think he's right for me and she is worried about the whole thing. Then she asks me if I work and if I want to get a pedicure with her. Never having a one before I go along with it. 

The next day I go to get her and we go to the Wal-mart on State St. for our pedicure. Turns out it's a foot massage and... buffing I guess you could call it. I have very ticklish feet and practically jumpped out of my chair a few times. Then we talk about going out and we decided to call Michel. It turns out I had written down her birthday and still forgot. Luckily I was only a day late. So she says she was going out that night 2 and maybe we could join her. So I take Angie home and we decided that we would meet up with her later. Angie calls me up and says she's ready around 9:30pm. I go to get her and on the way I decide I should call Kyle since i hadn't talked to him in a day or so. He never really wants to talk that long anyway so I figured I'd have plenty of time. We talk about how he thinks Irma (used to work at out store and is now an Asst. Mgr. at State St, his store) is hot. I told him that was a great thing to tell me, then I joked about how I should break up with him so he could go after her. He said I hurt his feelings and he saw how it was, that I wanted to get rid of him. Then I went even further to say why would he want me anyway. Then he kinda said "HEY!" and then it was pretty much over. Anyway... then we talk about the cds I bought and turns out I could have burned all 4 from him, because he had gotten them already. Guess we have similar tastes in music. Good to know huh? Then Angie got in the car and him and I were still talking... I asked him if i could let him go and he actually said he didn't want to get off with me. I don't know why but I kept talking. I forget what else we talked about till we got to backstop to get Michel. I know it was probably rude to be talking to him like that but we never really talk that often... and he was enjoying the convo and didn't want to get off. So in the parking lot Angie said she can hear him and then they start arguing... she called him some names, he told her to stay the hell out of our conversation, that it was none of her business. After they stop we talk some more, Michel took forever. Kyle was picking on me as usual, saying he was in my store one day and I didn't even notice him... then he said something about remembering everything... and I asked him if he knew what today was if he remembered all... and he said no... other then it was the 19th.. So I told him how we had been together 3 months today (or tomorrow in our convo). He was shocked that it had been that long and he said it had been a short 3 months. Then he picked on me saying girls remember things like that... and that the only things that matter are birthdays and the 1 year anniversary. I then told him he probably didn't even know when our 1 year would be and he got all defensive asking me how I knew. By then Michel had just got there and told me to hang up. I told him I had to go and he said no... that though we had talked for almost an hour by now, he didn't want to hang up. Michel then grabbed the phone and said "she has to go now, bye!" She then hung up. I didn't feel bad until we were on our way to a bar in Rockford. I felt guilty for her hanging up on him. 

We get to the bar and I ordered a long island. It was very strong. Her friend got one too and didn't like it and gave it to me. So I had 2 huge long islands that were very strong. Not to mention I had a Mike's hard berry with dinner. her friend goes home sick... she had been drinking since about 10am. So we stay there, we're enjoying the karoke... some of it anyway... we're too busy singing to ourselves to really care. Then you all know me, I got really drunk... and Kyle told me that he thinks I'm really friendly when I'm drunk, Angie and Michel actually agreed to that. Well this time I was upset. I started questioning them on why they dislike Kyle so much. They both start getting into how he's immature, and doesn't care about me and is a jerk. Oh and Angie tells me that everyone hates him by what I tell them. I forget what all they said but I'm sure they could see I was almost in tears by the end of the argument. I was so ready to just start bawling... I mean.. I love this guy and here they were putting him down when they don't even know him. I was very hurt by what they said. So a little later and a few drinks later we decide we're ready to go home. By now I am massivly drunk. I can't see straight. I drive Michel and Angie back... though I have no idea how. I know I shouldn't have drove but I shouldn't have drank so much either... I had to be to work at 7am that morning (this morning). I have no clue how I got home... I came home and laid in bed and it felt like I was stoned. Those of you who have ever been stoned know what it's like to feel like you're moving through stuff... well I felt like I was sinking straight through the mattress of my bed! Then the room was spinning! I thought I was going to be sick... but I couldn't even see straight if I would have had to. Who knows if I would have even found my bucket. Well then a few hours later my parents wake me up for work... knowing very well how drunk I was when I came home. I go to work... and because I'm on this diet.. I haven't eaten since 8pm the night before and I am nauseated pretty badly. I assume it's from not eating so I have a granola bar at my register (I know bad me!) I feel better.. the day pretty much continues fine. I get off at 4... come home... take a small nap... then get up and decide I need to eat something. So on my way to get something I call Kyle. We talk a bit, about 20 minutes. He tells me he doesn't care what my friends say because they aren't dating him, I am. We talked about how he won't be working my store and that State St is now only his store, except on his days off. Oh and he was picking on me and my diet telling me how he was going to have ice cream, chips, a hot pocket... etc. What a dork but such a cute dork. And here I sit. Messed up huh?



current mood: tired

(comment on this)

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
10:25 pm

Well things switched over at work. We now have register accountability. I think it works well. Today I found about $100 next to my register... and we believed it went to my drawer. Scary. Anyway... today was pretty slow. I only had one person bitch me out, over a DVD that he already exchanged once. We can't give cash back for a DVD, there's no other way about it. So I told him we could do store credit and he said that was "horse shit," and he would be in later to talk to manager. Co mgr. Jim told me that was nice and we await his arrival. Never saw him though. Other then that work was pretty boring today. Had a lot of people think I was layaway... and one guy got pissed off because I had a line and then came back and asked me for a fishing liscense... which I don't sell.

 
I'm looking into getting an apartment. I even thought about those townhouses by the chrysler plant. Might need a loan for that... but I'd have my own place... but I might take CSS Liz as a room mate. That would be kinda cool. If we get one for about $400 something then that would be about $200 each. Then Kyle might move in with me so I would see him more (which I can't wait!) and that would make the payments less! IDK... I have summerfest coming up... which needs gas money and money for a hotel room. Kyle can't go... and I think he's upset that he's gonna miss the All-American Reject concert... but oh well. Ya know what... Kyle always tells me he misses me when we're together but I asked him over the phone and he said he didn't. He's always so sincere about it in person... maybe again.. he's not much of a phone person and he was messing with me. Or maybe he hasn't had a chance to miss me because he's been so busy. IDK... anyone who's reading this... gimme some feedback. I'm confused. 

Moving on... it looks like we may have picked up a new cat. I was working on getting him a home still and told dad and he said something about "now that we got attached to him." I bugged dad about that one... cause he's the one that said no more cats. Dad is such a big teddy bear! So anyway... we've named him Gustavus, Guss for short. 

I've been working on that diet that the doc wants me on. So far, I've started a food diary and kept it just under 1,200 calories like he asked me to for 2 days. I'm pretty proud of myself. Hopefully this will help me out. Oh and my thyroid is ok. The doc called. 

Wow I think I forgot to cash that check that McCarty gave me! I have $25 somwhere! Hell ya!

Snick seems to be ok... but I still worry that she may have lost more weight. I love that cat so much! I would die of anything happened to her!

Will and Tammy broke up I guess... she's dating the co manager of her store! WTF! What a bitch! I can't believe she did that to Will! Will doesn't deserve that. He's better off without her. Candis said not to talk to him about it though... cause it still hurts... as I can imagine it does. 

Been tanning a few more times... I actually look pretty good. You can't tell it much on my arms but that's probably because I'm used to seeing them... and they weren't as pale as the rest of me. I have a really pale dolphin on my stomach (you stick a sticker on you somewhere to see how tan you've gotten). So that's exciting. My stomach is a very nice clolor.. now if the rest of me would do that! 

I was digging though the books that Donna gave me before she left... that he mother had given to her to read and found out they're by one of my favorite authors! I've had a hard time putting the first one down! I really need to write her. I haven't talked to her in God knows how long. 

Oh I forgot to mention! Lavina and Dick are coming up! I'm so excited! I love my aunt and uncle... especially my uncle. He treats me like I'm a princess. He reminds me a lot of my dad... except he calls me hun a lot and shows his feelings a bit more. Anyway... their health hasn't been the best and this may be my last chance to see them. The thing is... I work till 9pm on the night they're coming in, but they're coming in late. I'm going to drive them down to Aimee's when I get home or when they get here and I'm going to stay the night down there. The next day is memorial day and I actually got it off! So the whole family is going to try to get together and have chicken or something. I'm so excited! I get to see my sister, possibly sisterS. Maybe even my brother... few of my neices/nephews... my aunt and uncle who I haven't seen in years.... life is so great! I think I will end on that note. My family makes me happy... and I want this to end happily tonight. Night!



current mood: excited

(comment on this)

Friday, May 12th, 2006
10:58 pm

Here I am again. Things are interesting. I have run into an old ex from high school who I never really knew... and didn't date very long. Anyway, I really enjoy talking to him. Sometimes, after the conversation though I am worried that I may be falling for him. I find myself happy after talking to him and wondering if Kyle is who I should be with. But then I freak out and can't even imagine leaving Kyle like that! 

Anyway... Candis is talking about breaking up with Grant. I guess she likes someone else and is tired of Grant's crap... I would be! I don't want to go too much farther into this cause i know Steve will see it... and I'm not sure who she wants to know yet. Sorry man!

Well work was interesting. Service Desk now controls the telzons, printers, walkies, garvey guns and writing who has them. This means people have to wait for us to get done with customers before they can get their stuff. People aren't very happy and tomorrow it will be worse. They need to take their returns with them for us to give them a gun. I'm tired of them not coming up to grab them. No time? Too bad! You need to do your damn job! It is your departments crap... and you need to do it! I don't care what else you have to do, we cannot keep it up there. I'm tired of this BS. They feed me BS that "oh I'll come up later." And later comes and they're leaving. "Oh I forgot." F U! You will take your shit when you pick up your other crap now! Sorry... it's a very sore subject with me. 

Anyway... each register will now only have 1 bag a day. No more moving tills around.. Service Desk will be the same way. Tickets will be added up by the last person there at night... turned in by the CSS at midnight. No more check approvals... CSSs will be able to give loans to people... I forgot what all else was said... I did tell Jim that people were getting snotty about the guns and stuff and that he needs to talk with them about it... cause the customers come first and we are working our tails off to get them out of there... and they're yelling at us. It doesn't help to have them yelling at us as well as the customers! He seemed kinda upset about that and then Linda from softlines laughed at the fact that they have to wait for us. So I think Jim knows who I might be referring to now. Sarah was there too and she's another one. Idk... damn people piss me off.

Anyway... now that I pissed myself off I think I'll go to bed.



current mood: annoyed

(comment on this)

Monday, May 8th, 2006
9:01 pm
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus
 
"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." -Elbert Hubbard
 
"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?" -Eugene Kennedy
 
If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them. -Francis Bacon
 
We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. -Sir Winston Churchill
 
"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." -James Barrie


current mood: sick

(comment on this)

Saturday, May 6th, 2006
1:11 am - I did it
Well I finally did it. I deleted Calvin from my phone.... and my buddy list and blocked his IMs. I feel a bit nervous... scared... I can't wait to tell Kyle though.

current mood: nervous

(comment on this)

Friday, May 5th, 2006
10:59 pm
Well I went to the doctor.... he says I might have mono. If that's not enough... I think Snickers is losing more weight. Then my mom decides to have a talk to me about her saying that maybe I better prepare myself... that this might be the end. Then she goes on to say that she has lived a lot longer then everyone said she would. How do you prepare yourself to lose a child? I know a lot of you don't see her that way... but you just can't understand. I found this cat a  few years ago on my doorstep. She was cold and stiff.. pretty much dead. I took her in and wrapped her in a towel and force fed her moist food. This cat was in no way friendly but was too far gone to resist. I then too kher next door to my grams where I was staying at the time and tried to hide her. I held her the first night and kept her warm. I didn't get my hopes up that I would keep her cause my dad already told me no more cats. So I just planned on getting her better so she could survive. Well my dad eventually found out and my mom told him that he couldn't make me put it back out. My mom could see that deep down I cared for this cat. So we took her to the doctor... she had worms... but they do a blood test on all cats that have been outside. When they come back there's a whole bunch more people with them. I look at Snickers and it looks like she's crying. The new people in the room come and stand by me and put their arms around me as he tells me she has tested positive for Feline Leukemia. It's incurable.. and being that she got it so young... she had about a 25% chance of surviving. By now I was clutching the table to help me stand. They reccommended that I put her down now. I look at her and she looked like she had given up hope on me... like she knew I was going to put her down. My mom asks them if there's any possibility that it could be a false positive and they say only slightly. We could bring her in in a few months and retest her but if it came back positive as well.. that she had it for sure. I was devistated. I cried the entire night... and Snickers would come up and look at me asking what's wrong. Then she would lick my tears on my face. I took her back and of course she was positive. This time I was stronger and they didn't push her put down as much. They said I could watch her and when she started getting skinny and sicker... I should put her down. After that we had to have all of out cats vaccinated for the disease... especially her best friend Snookems who would play fight with her. We were good for a while... till about 2 years down the road... I believe. Cal and I were in my room and we heard this odd noise in the hallway. I thought the cats were fighting... and I yell at the cat nearby.. and Cal says that Snick is acting funny. I pick her up... and her eyes are rolling back and forth in her head... and she can't move one side of her body. I knew immediatly she was having a stroke. I tried to pet her and she ended up biting my finger (which would get infected and I would eventually end up cutting off the ring on that finger). I ran too my moms room and collapsed in her door trying to get out my estatic cry that something was wrong with Snick. She had about 3 more seizures that night... and my mom tried to calm me down... and when I calmed down so did she. She stopped having the seizures as soon as I calmed down... We took her to an emergency vet and they held her overnight. I cried all night... waking up every few hours in tears. I thought it was the end. We went back in and they said they don't know why she had seizures and it could be a one time deal. She never had them again. 

This cat... has always been there. She's comforted me when I'm upset, she's sat by my side every day for a few years... when you look in her eyes she looks like she's crying... sometimes for joy.. sometimes she's upset. Some people just don't understand that she has emotions too. She's the sweetest cat you would ever run across. She sleeps with me every night.... occasionally crawling under the covers. She's very paranoid.. so she doesn't feel safe unless I'm holding her. She follows me into the bathroom... she'll talk to me... she'll get in my chair just because she knows I'll have to pick her up to sit down. I can't even begin to express the love I have for this cat. I'm losing a child here! I had thought of moving out but scared what stress it would put her under (she's supposed to avoid stress because it could make her sick). I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I don't know how I could funtion without her. I don't know if I could stand being in this house without her..... I feel so lost... I keep taking picture after picture of her to remember her by...


current mood: worried

(comment on this)

1:05 am - Kitty might have a home!
Well here I am. Things went well with SHAPE today. No put downs... though i did almost kill Shawn with a pen. he got off lucky. It was hard to hold back. I warned him I was dangerous but he didn't listen. 

I got to talk to Kyle which was nice. I thought he was mad at me or something. Then again it could be my unrational thinking. I told him I thought something was wrong and he said "not yet" which freaked me out and I started questioning him about what he meant. He said he was messing with me. I believe him, cause he was kinda laughing at the whole thing. He also said he didn't answer when someone he knew called cause he was trying to sleep. He also didn't answer when he suspected that someone was calling from another number but didn't suspect anything when Angie called which is why he answered. He just didn't want to talk to anyone cause he was tried. But everything seems perfectly fine now. His background check didn't go through with Target and they don't know why. So they're looking into it. I'm so happy that nothing is wrong and things feel normal betwen us again.

My throat looks very very nasty so mom is going to try to squeeze me in tomorrow at the doc to see if I'm ok. it kinda itches and is a bit swollen... and is all white and bloody looking. It freaked me out so I showed mom and she freaked out saying that was one of the nastiest things she had seen. So ya... something is wrong with me!

I might have found Guss (the cat I found) a home! I was talking to a lady at work and she sais she was kinda looking for another one for her husband because their other cat isn't doing to well. Shes going to try to talk to him and might give me a call tomorrow! I'm so excited! I might have found him a good home!

Anyway... I'm cold... and my throat is starting to swell more... it feels like it anyway. So I'm gonna go to bed. I should get some sleep.


current mood: cold

(comment on this)

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
2:12 am
OMG I need my meds. I haven't had my depression/anxiety pills for about a week now. For those of you who don't know, I'm subbing as a supervisor till the end of this week... as far as we know. So there is massive stress there. I have been alone the past week after 7pm... and it always seems to get massivly busy at that time. So that is tearing at me.

Then Kyle went out last night... and I was owrried about him so I called him to tell him that I would give him a ride home if he needed it. Well I got his voice message which was fine with me... but then I called later cause I was worried he might try to go home on his own. Well he hung up on me! I was already stressed enough because of work and then this?!?! I let it go though. I was still worried though.

Well then I call him today and he didn't answer so I left him a message... no big deal... other then I'm off my meds. Some of you don't understand what that means. Well with my anxiety issue... I freaked out thinking every possible negative outcome. A few thoughts that crossed my mind: He died, he is in the hospital, he went home with another girl (he said he gets horny when drunk), he was still with that other girl screwing her brains out, he was mad at me for some reason, he wanted to break up with me... to name those that I can even remember. So my body starts to shake.... and pretty much go into convulsions. I have no food in my system but that doesn't stop me from dry heaving. I finally pass out from exhaustion for a few hours and feel somewhat ok... but without my meds... I resort back to the way I used to be... ok for the first minute till my body realizes I'm awake and I start to shake... and become very nauseated again. I try calling Kyle again and he again picks it up and hangs up. Here's the other reason I take those meds. I get pissed off... my body shakes in rage this time I call his phone about 15 times the first minute. I called him a few other times and left him a few voice messages... trying to remain calm. I finally get online trying to forget about it but with anxiety problems you can't. So I run into an old friend online and tell him the story and he calls him up and he picks up for him. So I call Angie and have her call him for me. She reaches him and asks him why he won't answer for me. He says he's sleeping and she then asks him if he's upset with me and he calmly says no. So he's trully not mad or he would have let Angie have it. So that made me feel better but I still pondered if he had cheated on me and was scared to talk to me cause he knows I can see right though lies. So I'm still friggin... losing it. So there's another piece.

Then... becaue of all my anxietys.... I have eaten twice today. One small fry from Burger King... and then I had a turky sub and fries from McDonalds. In between each "meal" I had several pepto coctails. Even though it is supposed to stop you up... I still can't seem to keep it from coming out if you get what I mean. Enough said. Every... 10 minutes or so I reach for my bucket.... from ym body threatening to dispell it's contents. I've been like this all day. The stress is finally getting to me. I'm so sick I cry and then start gagging... and then my head starts throbbing... but I'm scared to stick anything in my stomach that might upset it more.... and I can't lay down because that makes me feel even worse. 

Then I took Snickers to the vet. She has lost 1lb... but to compare that to a human... it's like losting 10lbs. She has leukemia for those who don't know and this is a sign that she may be going downhill fast. I am supposed to take her back in in a month to weight her again. if she's lost more weight I need to have blood work done to see what's going on. This cat... is like my child. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone told you your child was dying. 

Then my father asks me to pick up his prescription after all of this. Why can't he pick it up?!?!? Well God always know's how to stick it to me.... I'm leaving Wal-mart and I see someone drop off a cat. Being the person that I am I pick the thing up and take it home to find it a home. Now I just let the damn thing out thinking it had to go to the bathroom and doesn't know how to use a littler box.... and it ran away. I'm out there chasing it around the house meanwhile I get signed off and scare the hell out of Shawn because I was telling him how down I was. Well I'm ok for a few minutes... so I'm gonna go look for the cat some more....


current mood: distressed

(1 comment | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com